


Our Future Days

by MiniMoffat



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 10:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24848221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiniMoffat/pseuds/MiniMoffat
Summary: Spoilers for The Last of Us Part II! Takes place after it. Some angsty Father's Day stuff.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 71





	Our Future Days

She didn't like going back to Jackson, but it was a necessity at times. Ghosts followed her around each corner, mocking her for her failure to protect the people she cared about. Jessie was there, but more often than not it was Joel who lingered in the shadows. Sometimes, it would even be Dina. Not that she didn't see the _real_ Dina from time to time in which she would usually turn the other way as casually as she could, knowing that her choice to chase after Abby had ruined the life she had wanted. For a while, Ellie blamed Tommy for it. If he hadn't come and pressured her into going, she wouldn't have tried to seek revenge. Over time, however, she'd come to accept that even without the help of Tommy, there had still been an anger simmering inside of her.

_Please, stop it!_

Ellie glanced up at the horse as she patted the side of it's neck, forcing a smile on her lips. She couldn't help but feel drained after what she had seen in her former home--children laughing, hanging off their parents. _Happy father's day!_ A loneliness she hadn't expected flooded over her, though she did her best to keep her composure. She had even heard Tommy calling out for her when she had been loading her horse with the goods she had traded meat for but gotten onto the saddle as quickly as she could, unwilling to face the pressure of someone so close to Joel.

She hadn't chosen to stay at the farm--that held other memories that she was afraid of. Pleasant ones where she was, for once in her life, truly happy. Instead, she had found a small cabin that had been long abandoned, though not as long as the outbreak. Someone had lived here once and she had assumed they had probably moved to Jackson for the safety of numbers. It didn't really matter either way. She had staked the place out for a week before finally moving in and no one had come in or out. A small sigh escaped her lips as she placed the various vegetables and horse feed on the table, trying to let out all the stress of the trip. Ellie's shoulders slumped as she glanced around the room, green eyes finally settling on the guitar that sat in the corner collecting dust.

Lips pressed into a fine line and her thumb ran along the stumps of her two fingers. She hadn't had the heart to trade the guitar away, though someone had once asked about it. In her mind, it wasn't _her_ guitar anymore. It was Joel's. He had been the one who found it for her and she had just been keeping it safe for him. Even if she couldn't play it anymore, a part of her hoped that one day he would walk through that door, chuckle about being late, and pick it up for her. _What a joke_. 

Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, she closed the gap between her and the guitar before sitting on the small couch in her living room. Her eyes glanced at the healed stubs before nodding a bit in resignation and switching the neck of the guitar to her non-dominant hand. She strummed, tuning the underused guitar as she went. It was easy enough, though she knew the ease was short-lived. Her right hand felt awkward resting against the strings, not daring to press down on the chord just yet. It was the closest she had come to playing since she had arrived back at the farm house and despite the initial moment of bravery, she didn't know if she could continue.

* * *

"Come on, kiddo. You got this." 

"Hold on!" She chuckled, struggling to remember where she had to place her pinkie. Tentatively, Ellie placed it and glanced back up towards Joel, who gave her an uncertain look in response. She let out a small groan, letting her left hand fall from the neck of the guitar. "Alright then, where?"

Joel returned the laugh, moving from his chair across from her. "Put your hand back where it was." The teenager nodded, brows knitting in concentration as she peered over the guitar to see where he was adjusting her grip. "There you go."

Ellie let out a small groan, shaking her head a little. "I'm never going to get this." She stated, obviously defeated.

"You just gotta practice more. You're doing good. You can't get good at it overnight."

"But I'mpracticing like every day!"

"Then you're gonna get better at it. You just gotta be patient." Joel stated with a smile. "It took me _years_ to get good at it."

She glanced up towards Joel with a smirk, "Oh yeah? 'Cause it sounds to me like you're still waiting to get good at it."

Joel raised his hands above his head, feigning hurt over the snide comment. "Ouch." However, his voice got serious for a moment. "If you can find a better teacher then I'll leave you in their hands." Ellie's expression faltered before shaking her head slightly.

"No, it's uh--" She paused, unable to meet his gaze and instead focusing on the moth painted on her guitar. "It's fine." Out of her peripheral, she could see his body language shift to a more relaxed one before adding, "I can always find them after. You know," Ellie moved to face him once more, her hand moving to tap at the side of her head, "gotta find someone to reveal my untapped skills as a musical genius." 

"Yeah, in your dreams, kiddo."

* * *

Ellie's lower lip quivered, wishing for the memory to go back into the hole she had buried them all in with Joel's body. This shouldn't be affecting her, not _today_. Not this badly. _He's wasn't even your real dad._ She tried to convince herself, but it only made her eyes sting more. The back of her hand moved to wipe at them prematurely before taking a deep breath.

"Pull yourself together, Ellie." She whispered to herself, shifting a little to regain her composure. She repositioned her fingers on the neck of the guitar, strumming the first chord of the song that had been haunting her since Joel had died. Slowly and awkwardly, she made her way to the second chord before strumming once more, though it came off sounding rough as two fingers shifted to gently touch another string. She had to admit, it sounded little like the song she had once cherished with how slow and awkward it was.

_If I ever were to lose you,_

_I'd surely lose myself._

Her vision began to blur once more, unable to hear the words come in the voice she had used so many times before, but the voice of Joel. "Fuck." She whispered, moving the guitar to sit on her knees to place her forehead on the wood. She closed her eyes as tightly as she could, willing for the voice to go away. She didn't want to hear him. Not now.

Instead, it was replaced by the haunting sound of metal hitting bone and her own deafening scream. 

_Joel, get up!_

Tears were now freely welling up in her eyes and she allowed herself to move the guitar to sit on the couch next to her. This was exactly why she no longer tried to play the guitar. Having to relearn it on her non-dominant hand only brought up old memories, which brought up the terrors that plagued her. It wasn't a full flashback this time, which she was thankful for, but she couldn't stop herself from letting out a full sob. Her face rested on her hands, her whole body shaking as she tried to force Joel's voice from her mind.

It rarely worked, but it never backfired this spectacularly. Memories flooded back to her of Joel. Their chat on his deck after the dance where he told her Dina would be lucky to have her, their trip to the museum, him and Tommy teaching her to swim, even her annoyance when Joel insisted that he go out with her on their first paired trip. Tommy had convinced Joel not to do that--they already knew that between the two of them, it wouldn't even be a challenge. While it wasn't _supposed_ to be a challenge, the whole point was that Ellie needed more freedom. She had to leave the nest sometime.

Ellie tried to remember the betrayal she had felt when she had returned to Salt Lake City to shake off those good memories, but couldn't bring herself to. Joel hadn't been the perfect father figure and while she hated him for taking her agency away, she had only just started beginning to forgive him before he was taken from her. There was still so much he had to do to prove he could be in her life still. As she wiped furiously at her eyes, she tried to will away the image of Joel holding JJ in the farm house while her and Dina watched fondly over the two of them. In her imagination, he would have been the doting grandfather who probably sneak JJ candy when he was older. Hell, Ellie knew she wouldn't trust anyone else with teaching him how to shoot a gun (with her help, of course).

She finally lifted her head from her hands, though the expression on her face was nothing short of numbed from pain with tears still flowing down her cheeks. She hadn't cried this openly in a while, not even to herself. She had tried to insist that she was _healing_. She had originally started doing that to hopefully show Dina she could come back and try to bring comfort to Maria and Tommy, but she knew the major part of it was to fool herself into thinking the giant gap in her heart would go away so soon. Getting to her feet, she shuffled towards the kitchen and turned on the kettle, opening the cupboard.

* * *

"Thank you," Maria had said softly, though you could hear the pain and bitterness behind her words, "for bringing Tommy home." Ellie had just nodded silently, knowing that he had almost died because of her need for revenge. She honestly didn't know what to say. Her fingers tightened around the kitchen counter she was leaning her back on. 

"I'm sorry I couln't--"

"This isn't your fault." Maria insisted, "Tommy's just as stubborn as you when it comes to Joel." She moved closer to Ellie, though stopped just a few feet short before something else caught her attention. "Oh, I have something for you."

Ellie finally tore her eyes off the clean tile flooring, brows knit together in confusion as she watched the blonde moved towards a cupboard. "They cleaned Joel's place out while you were gone." The younger of the two shifted uncomfortably, wanting to lash out about it being too soon. _It's been months_. She tried to tell herself, but the betrayal still settled in her core.

"I know you already went through his place and picked up a few things--I did the same for Tommy when you were in Seattle. But..." She hesitated before pulling a familiar owl mug from the cupboard. "You and Dina are getting a farm, right? You'll need probably need more stuff if it's much bigger. I think Tommy wouldn't mind if you..." Maria trailed off as she handed it towards Ellie. Green eyes stared blankly at it, but she pressed her lips tightly together and nodded a couple times.

"Thanks," She stated, meeting the other's gaze. "It'll really help. I think Dina will like it." It came out as unemotional as she wanted, but she couldn't help but wonder what happened to the coffee beans that Joel had traded this for. Not that she wanted them of course, but because it was small details like that that still clung to her. Questions she would never get the answers to.

* * *

Ellie stared blankly at the mug, internally thanking Dina for not taking it when she left. As saddened by her leaving as Ellie was, she couldn't be too mad at her. She had left everything important to her, which was something she was incredibly thankful for. All her drawings, her guitar, her trinkets, and this stupid mug. These things could have easily been destroyed in Dina's pain or she could have taken them with her, but despite the pain, she had still felt enough love for Ellie to make sure that the loneliness of Joel's death wouldn't be thrust upon her once more by the absence of his memories.

Placing some tea in the mug and letting it steep, she leaned against her counter and sipped it slowly. She didn't regret not killing Abby. Even though Tommy was angry at her when she returned, they both had to accept that her death would not bring Joel back. Nothing would make it so he'd open the door to her cabin and give her shit for not showing up on time for her shifts. There wouldn't be any more secret birthday trips. Hell, she wished she had been half as good at thinking of meaningful ways to make Joel happy on his birthdays. Hell, the one time she even got him a stupid Father's Day gift she chickened out and saved it for his birthday instead. She wondered just how much that had stung him that she had never wished him a happy Father's Day. They both knew that they weren't really family, but he had still cared so much for her that he had turned his back on humanity finding a cure to save her. And she had resented him for that.

The tears had begun flowing once more, so she moved up the creaky stairs towards her bedroom. It was pretty bare--it was hard to move the stuff herself and even the the larger furniture she had moved had been traded labor with some people in Jackson. Still, there was the bed from the farm house which now felt hauntingly big, plus two bedside tables. She placed her mug down on the bedside table and opened the drawer, taking out the box with Joel's watch in it. 

Her hands shook as she popped open the box and put the watch in her hand, examining it closely in her hands. She was thankful she never had to worry about it breaking like he did after the outbreak. Even if the glass face completely shattered, there would never be the emotional attachment of someone giving it to her when it was working. Ellie slipped it onto her wrist, tightening the strap to secure it in place before laying down, fully clothed in her bed. She cuddled her arm closely, pretending to listen to the ticking of the clock as she knew Joel had done time and time again when the outbreak had just started. She didn't really believe in heaven or an afterlife, but she did cling to hope that he was happy and safe with Sarah. 

"Happy Father's Day, Joel."


End file.
